Today is the day!!! It's finally here!!!!

I finally get to go out with my wife!! I'm so excited. I feel like a young man with a date. We don't have a baby sitter so when I go out, she is forced to stay home. The same holds true when she goes out. Today is the day we get to go out together! I'm actually gonna' spend time with a women. I'm so excited. I know it doesn't sound like much, but, when you been together as long as we have, IT IS!!! No kids, no responsibilities, no work the next day, and no curfew!!! This is going to be a good night. Maybe a movie, some drinks...then..well, we won't go into the graphic details.

How much of a "white trash" person are you? Take the test!

I AM 29% WHITE TRASH! The white trash in my blood will not keep me from becoming a doctor or a lawyer, but it will keep me from a good haircut and any sort of fashion sense. Take the WHITE TRASH test at Fuali.com

We need more honest athletes.

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This boxer is a honest guy. We need more of this. He smokes bud and isn't afraid to say it. Why is a plant that grows from earth not legal in the first place? It's silly. I guess our government makes too much from marijuana being illegal.


If I were to get a picture of me with a big bud....this is how I would end up.

Even I am sad by this event. Dammit, WHY??

CONFIRMED DEATH TOLL
Sri Lanka: 18,706 dead
Indonesia: 27,174 dead
India: 4,371 dead
Thailand: 1,400 dead
Maldives: 52 dead
Malaysia: 44 dead
Burma: 30 dead
Bangladesh: 2 dead
Somalia: 100 dead
Kenya: 1 dead
Seychelles: 3 dead
Tanzania: 10 dead

I am not one to feel sorry for people. As you all know, I hate most people. This is one of those situations where I am deeply saddened by what happened. Nature is a bitch. I guess GOD doesn't need these people on earth anymore? Woman and children dead. I hate when things like this happen. It's different in a war. Humans are to blame for the death. Who can you blame for this? Nature, God, the Moon?

Time to lighten up! Here are some Homer Simpson lines! Enjoy!!!

* Operator, give me the number for nine-one-one!
* It's like David and Goliath, only this time David won!
* Hey, just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand!
* Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.
* Marge, I'm going to miss you so much. And it's not just the sex. It's also the food preparation.
* In this house, we obey the laws of thermodynamics!
* You don't win friends with salad.
* You can't keep blaming yourself. Just blame yourself once, and move on.
* Trying is the first step towards failure.
* They have the Internet on computers now?
* Okay, brain. You don't like me, and I don't like you, but let's get through this thing and then I can continue killing you with beer.
* Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
* Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
* Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true!
* Do I know what rhetorical means?

I'm sick, and I shall make everyone pay!!!

So I'm sick. I hate it too. I never get sick, so when I do, it's bad. I have noticed that when I'm sick, I tend to be a real dickhead. I can't help it. I'm miserable so everyone else should be too, right? My poor wife. She gets yelled at for minimal things. I shouldn't either. She is the best woman in the world. I mean I have proof! She puts up with my grouchy ass.

You know what really makes me grouchy when I get sick??? DO ya??? I can't smoke weed. I am a pothead of the most extreme kind. I smoke everyday. When I'm sick. I can't. It hurts too bad. So then I'm sick and can't smoke=Pissed off RONALD. You know how people say to take time to count to ten when they are mad? I have to count to ten about ten times. Counting to ten the first time only gives me time to think about why I'm pissed in the first place. Then, by the time I get to ten I'm even madder than when I started. Can you say "anger management", I knew you could.

Snow Driving!

Tips for driving in the snow!

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1. Just because you have a four wheel drive, it doesn't make you snowy road god.

2. Don't leave the house unless you really need to.

3. Don't follow people close. I mean not at all. You must give yourself proper stopping area.

4. Take a shovel with you. Put it in the trunk.

5. Don't try to go somewhere that you can't. I watched people get stuck in the alley next to my house all day and night. Funny for me, but not for them.

6. When you do get stuck, don't just sit there and floor it. If you pump the gas it helps. The wheels must have time to get traction. Flooring it one way and then the other is not effective. You would think that people would figure this out on their own. Guess again.

7. If you start to slide, let off the gas. This works in water or snow. If you let off the gas it will slow you which will make you have traction. Trust me on this. On ice it is a little different. The principal is still the same. Train your body to let off the gas and don't freak out. Fear is the mind killer.


If you need further information, click this link.How to drive in snow.

Why can't people drive in snow???

I just don't get it. If you don't know how to drive in snow, why not ask? You can't just sit there and floor your car,van,truck or any other ride you may have. People have been getting stuck by my alley all day. At first I would go out and help them. Fuck that. I'm done after the sixth one. MORONS. One guy got stuck twice. Last night there is a red truck outside just spinning it's tires for a half hour. A neighbor and I went out to help him get out. I started my car and just pulled out with no problem. He was about to hit it. We get him out and he gets stuck again, we get him out again and he finally leaves. Thank god, he was making so much noise!

We go out today to do family stuff and general Christmas things. Guess who is stuck in the alley, AGAIN!!!! Yes , the same jack ass. I couldn't believe it. I asked him if he was stuck there last night. He said yes. How can you get stuck, get out, then the next day go through the exact same spot and expect to get through this time? I had to laugh my ass off at his stupidity. I have little sympathy for this guy. The world is full of morons and idiots. I have proof!

To the people that throw the garbage in my yard.....

I'm sure you deal with these people too. These assholes go around and throw papers, bags with papers in them, and various other objects in my yard. If I could catch them doing it, I would go to their house and dump my trash in their yard. How would they like that?? I don't want the "Value Shopper" or the "Door Store" crap. I didn't sign up for it , so why do they put it in my yard?? Shouldn't that be illegal. I can't go empty my trash can in someone's yard, but these fools can throw whatever garbage they put in a bag.

I once found a tire in my back yard. I live in a next to a busy alley/street. People must have changed a tire and then just threw it in my yard. Nice of them huh? The world is full of assholes. I'm one of them, but only part of the time.

Optimus Prime almost kicked my ass.

If you don't know, Optimus Prime is a toy. He is a Transformer. The leader of the Autobots, of course. The boy wants this badly. It cost $45. A dam toy. Well, we bought the girl a new bike, so we have to get him something big also. He gets, Optimus. The only problem is. He expects me to be able to transform this dam thing. Right...... It's like a real puzzle. It took me at least 20 mins to make him into a semi truck. I didn't even try to put him back in robot form. I'll save that for christmas. Why do these toys have to be so complicated. The G.I. joe and Star Wars people I had didn't even bend at the arm. I had a Tonka truck and matchbox cars. My kids have mini robots and gadgets I can't even deal with. Dammit, I hate getting old. You know your old when music of today sucks and the toys are too complex for you to figure out. I feel like my mom trying to play mario bros.

Bwhahaha, I just got carded for wine!!!!

Yes!!! I just got carded for wine. Why??? Because I'm so young looking. I have a bald head and huge sideburns. I was born in 1974. Yes, I'm 30. Just makes me feel good to think that someone thinks I might possibly be under 21.

I'm going to the club this weekend!!! Wait, last time I did that all the 18-21 yr old girls just looked at me and rolled their eyes. Not that I was trying to pick em' up. Just would be nice if I could.

Maybe I should try to pick up the guy at the drive thru. He's the only person that has carded me in years. Shit, maybe he was hitting on me. He did have a spectacular mullet. Oh hell yea, Heaton St. drive thru, H-Town, fool.

The slow, old lady who has to pay exact change.

You know that lady. I think we all do. Your in line. You have five things. You think, this shouldn't take long. Well now your in line behind her. She has coupons. She doesn't have cash so she will write a check. Need to see I.D. Oh, sign here. Fill this out.

Don't you know your going shopping? Get some fuckin' cash woman. Dammit, I don't want to stand in line behind you while you write a check, buy lottery tickets, cash in your coupons, or count you dam pennies in the bottom of your purse so that you have exact change. Stop being a asshole.

Oh and since I'm on the subject of assholes. One day, I will beat the shit out of the lady that flies in and out of the school parking lot. People are there picking up kids. You bitch, slow down. Kids are dumb. They don't pay attention. It's up to the adults to make sure everyone's kid stays safe. Use a goddam watch and stop being a idiot. It's your fault your late, don't speed near the school.

My son, the exact copy of his dad.

My son has been wetting the bed every few nights. In order to stop this I have tried to wake him up around 3 am to go pee. Well last night I hear him moan in his sleep. My mom tells me that's what I used to do right before I would pee the bed. Sort of a early warning. I go in to wake him up......Me talking to him, "buddy wake up". I say this three times then shake him. The boy yells, and I mean yells, all pissed off, "Just leave it alone!!!" I lose it right there. Start busting out laughing and leave the room, and him alone. I go back to bed and can't stop giggling, nearly waking the wifey up. That boy reacted EXACTLY how I do when woke up. He is my mini me, and I love him so much for it.

Dam this cold, and to think I used to love winter.

I can't believe I used to love winter. What was wrong with me? Oh yea, that was before I had screws put in my leg. I have had asthma for years and in the winter I can breath great! Now, since I have the screws in my legs, winter sucks. I get so cold and ache like a nursing home champ. "I used to be so virile"-Austin Powers Sucks to get old and injured. Time catches up to us all. The computer sits next to the window too. My fingers are getting cold from the draft coming from the window. I guess I need to get some gloves with the fingers cut out. Picture me sitting here bundled up just to type my blog entry. NOW THAT'S DEDICATION TO BLOGGING!! Dammit, it is past due time for me to win the lottery and move to some tropical island.

Disgusting habit of mine....I can't help it.

So, I have a disgusting habit. I pick my teeth. I eat potato chips, or tortilla chips and then pick my teeth. It feels good to me. I like to eat things that will get stuck in the so I can pick it out. I eat some chips, pick em' out. Eat, pick, until I get weak from exhaustion. It seems odd that I would enjoy such a activity. I also chew on plastic. I guess I have some disorder. All you smarty pants out there tell me what it is. Am I obsessive compulsive? Do I have a overactive oral stimulation problem?(no dirty jokes either) I just don't understand......What habits do you have so that I may not feel alone in my odd self? I don't want to be the only weirdo out there.

I kill bugs....Is that wrong? I don't like it, but it has to be done.

Ok so I kill bugs. I hate when I'm trying to watch T.V. or the computer and some tiny bug flies on the screen. Where do they come from? My house isn't dirty, if fact it's usually fairly clean. I try not to kill spiders as they eat the very bugs I'm trying to get rid of. I have to say, if I see a spider crawling inside, it's dead. I can't wait around for it to bite me. Those spider bites itch and drive me insane, and, that is a short road all down hill.

How can you tell if milk is bad, when you got a broken nose?

So, my nose has been broke a few times. Funny how impact from fists and elbows will do that. Anyway, I can't ever tell if milk is bad. I smell it and it always smells kinda bad to me. How can you tell? Is there a certain level of funk that you reach? I guess you know for sure if you have big chunks (any chunks really) in the milk. I just wonder if there could be a machine that helped me out. We have machines for everything else. Why not a Sniffer-Matic® (see I trademarked it, now I'll make millions!). It could smell all my food and tell me what is good and bad. That would make cleaning out the fridge a breeze! What about at a party? How cool would that be? Just adjust it for body odor (turn knob) and now you can embarrass all the funky people in the world. That could get you beat up. Running around using some machine that sniffs peoples arm pit/ butt may not be a good idea. Anyway, Sears, Maytag, Kenmore, some appliance place, make it happen!

Both sides of the mullet issue.

Since i'm all about fairness. The mullet community only had this in their defence. I think this is the best they could come up with on such short notice.

Why do people still have mullets??? It's 2004 going on 2005 Wake up!!

Can you believe people still have mullets in this day and age? I mean, don't you know your sporting a out of date hair do? I guess it must be the area I live in. Female mullets are the worst. They think they have a style......look, if your hair is short on top, short on sides and long in back, you got a MULLET. Why do lesbians like this hair cut? I have noticed a rather large amount of them in pictures having the mullet. Maybe it helps, how should I know? If I were to grow a mullet, I would have a "skullet". Like Hulk Hogan. I'm partially bald so, I couldn't grow a proper mullet. It's a pity too, as I would blend in with all my REDNECK townsfolk. (This post made after seeing at least 6 mullets while out shopping.)

Hey......call me BREAD !!!!!!!!!!!

Does every kid make up names for themselves? I wonder. My son likes to make a name for himself every week or so. He was, spiderman, superman, batman, optimus prime, and now Fred. The only problem is, he has a speech impediment. When he says the "F" sound. It comes out like "B". So........He's been yelling at me lately when I call him by his name(Bruce). He's like you call me Bread!!! He's trying to say Fred. I think I like Bread better. Yea...Bread. When he was born I tried to convince my wife to let me name him Darth. Imagine the fear that would have on kids. He would NEVER get picked on. NOT that he will as he is twice the size of most kids his age.

Why destroy poor peoples stuff? I don't get it.

Why would you go up and down the street throwing rocks at car/truck windows? Well in my neighborhood, that seems the thing to do. I live in a particularly bad part of town. Now the north end of Hamilton isn't exactly the projects, however, it is the white trash version. Hill billies sit on their porches all hours day and night, people don't wear shoes a lot and litter is EVERYWHERE. Need an example? No problem. I was going to buy a two liter of pop this morning and the guy in front of me was buying a 40oz. of King Cobra. No big deal you say?? It's 11:30 am on a Sunday. Never too early for King Cobra I guess. So back to my story........I go back to my house and all down my street are cars/trucks that have their front window busted all to hell. Some bastards have nothing to do but destroy poor peoples vehicles. You let me catch those little pricks. I'll be going to jail and they will be making a trip to the hospital. I know I did some dumb shit when I was a kid. I admit it. I do feel terrible for my actions too. A friend of mine, and I, once jumped on about ten cars at the local festival. I guess I'm getting paid back for being such a little bastard in my youth!

Tonight I have been exposed to Journey, yes , the band.

So I go to the wife's Christmas party. Not all that bad a deal. Free food, beer and wine. We get there and the host's husband is really into music. I'm thinking, great! We will have something in common to talk about. I play bass, dabble with drums and guitar. We all get settled in the house, eat, drink and be merry. We migrate downstairs. That is where the gift exchange was. Well, the host's husband decides that we need some entertainment. I'm thinking he is gonna' put the T.V. on or something. Maybe listen to some music. Well he is going to give me BOTH!!! The band................JOURNEY reunion tour 2001 Live!!. I was so excited I almost pee peed myself. I mean wow. The premier mullet band and I get to watch a entire concert. How did I get so lucky?(Extreme sarcasm, if you can't tell). What made him think that anyone wanted to see that crap. Steve Perry??? Needless to say, he turned if off while we did the gift exchange. It was about a hour into it. After the exchange, what should he put back in? Oh yea, you guessed it. We WILL FINISH this video. HE owned the dam thing and he was the only one sitting in the basement watching it when we left. Sad... **shakes head in disgust**

The usage of toilet paper, what did they use long ago?

So I'm thinking about things, like I sometimes pretend to do, and I'm contemplating the time before toilet paper. First, let's get one thing straight. Everyone poops, and everyone poops on themselves. It is the law of gravity/nature. If you don't poop on yourself then don't buy toilet paper and see how well you make out. You'll be running to the store faster than Kobe Bryant to the jeweler. Anyway, back to my meaningless pondering.....What did they do before toilet paper? I think I'm headed to google to do a search on this history of toilet paper. If I'm not back in five minutes, just wait longer.

The Great Toilet Paper Mystery is solved!!

Here is some information.

Here we go:

The average tear is 5.90 sheets of TP.

44% wipe from front to back from behind their backs.

60% look at the paper after they wipe.

42% fold, 33% crumple, 8% do both fold and crumple, 6% wrap it around their hands.

50% say that they have wiped with leaves.

8% have wiped with their hands.

2% have wiped with money

!Survey taken of 106 people. Not very accurate, but entertaining.

Of course, where you lived help determine the material of choice. Mussel shells were very popular in coastal regions prior to toilet paper's popularity (approx. 1900). If you were lucky enough to be raised on the Hawaiian islands, you may have used good old coconut shells. If you were born into royalty, like Louis XIV, you would have used wool or lace for added comfort.

In India and the Arab world, the most popular tool to use today (not that I have witnessed this) is the hand - the left hand to be specific. Of course, they cleanse their hands after this dirty deed. Many Arabs consider the Western practice of using paper to be disgusting - they feel that you always leave a residue by following this practice. They can't see how paper can actually get you perfectly clean.

Some historians consider this the reason why we shake with our right hands - because traditionally the left hand was the dirty hand!

This history of toilet paper and a paper shortage.

Please read this for further information. The above link is a history of toilet paper.

Murphy's law is always correct.

If you have been reading the ole' blog, then you know of the 208 lbs girl that I teach in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu (BJJ). I'm teaching the kids hip tosses last night and she walks in. Now keep in mind the closest kid I have to her weight is 110 lbs. So, as I said before, I'm going to try and be positive with this situation. I go to hip toss her and hyper extend my leg. LMAO, of course!! I train with grown ass men and don't hurt myself, but this little ball of goo is about to take me out. So my leg hurts like a motha' tonight. I did go train with the boys, as I feel like a compete pussy if I don't.


This is the reason for post titled Murphy's law.... I went to train tonight thinking that I will take it easy and just chill because my leg is hurting. I get there and it's go time. I roll my ass off and crush everyone. When I prepare all day for a night of training I go there and do terrible. When I don't have a care in the world and have no expectations for my performance, I kick ass. What does it all mean?